Hope, Hopelessness, and the Holidays

Initially Published in The West Nebraska Catholic Magazine

November / December 2023

On Dec. 13, 1999, I received a 2 a.m. phone call, “It’s Mom, Dad’s heart stopped, and they couldn’t restart it.” It was a shock for our family, as well as the entire community, whose last memory of my dad was him playing Santa, as he gave away candy at a community event the day before. Seven years post-heart surgery, my dad had recently stopped taking blood thinners in advance of a medical procedure he had hoped to complete before the holidays. His funeral was on Dec. 17. The week after, as I shopped in preparation for our family Christmas gathering, I found myself meeting crowd after crowd of joyful shoppers passing by on either side as I stood thinking, “I wish I could be happy.” As a psychologist, I’d known that many Americans struggle with hopelessness and depression during the holidays. That year, I felt it.

The Advent season is set apart as a time of joyful anticipation, as we await, in hope, the arrival of Christ, our king, our savior, our beloved. For many, however, this time of year is marked by anxiety, sadness and hopelessness. Research shows 41 percent of U.S. adults report increased stress in the weeks prior to Christmas.1 For the millions of adults who face an ongoing struggle with mental health (one in five adults nationwide)2 , almost 65 percent describe their condition as worsening during this time of year.3 For some, sadness during the holiday season originates from a loss (separation, divorce, family conflict, the death of a loved one). Others are burdened by the stress of unmet needs (financial duress, and absence of social support, an unmet desire for authentic love and intimacy, a lack of basic needs: food, shelter, medical care). For some, the prospect of gathering with family triggers traumatic memories, grief or anxiety. Often, feelings of loneliness and isolation are heightened as seemingly everyone else prepares for holiday parties, community celebrations and family traditions. For many, this season of anticipation and waiting on the Lord has been so commercialized, sensationalized and de-Christianized that the season itself is a source of stress. Rather than waiting in hopeful expectation, many find themselves feeling hopeless in meeting others’ expectations. If you feel this way, you are not alone. In clinical practice, I have witnessed great healing and growth through modern medicine. Such interventions and support are truly God’s gifts through doctors, researchers and mental health providers. But it is in serving others through the Church in victim assistance and healing ministries, through retreats like The Way Retreats for Survivors of Abuse and Rachel’s Vineyard, that I have witnessed the restoration of hope. Since the beginning of humanity, we have struggled to maintain hope, often falling into presumption (believing “I don’t need God”; “I can do this on my own”; “It doesn’t matter what I do”) or despair (concluding, “I don’t have a God”; “God doesn’t love me”; “I am unlovable”).

As Catholics, striving to imitate Christ, we are called to be more than joyful shoppers passing by each other in a crowd. We are called to restore hope. We are called to walk with one another in dark times until it is unarguably evident that we are not alone — that God is with us. We are called to be present to others, loving one another with such selflessness that it is impossible to ignore that Christ’s love is real and unending. This is our universal call to love and communion. As you await the coming of Christ this Advent season, be aware of your brothers and sisters who may be struggling. Make Christ known to them. Share Christ’s love. Reach out to those who are absent from your community, provide for those in need, walk with those who are walking alone, build bridges within your family, be a source of hope. Know the signs of depression and suicide, know how to access help and commit to being present until help is found.

When we are in a place of hopelessness, we can experience tunnel vision, where all we can see is evidence of our hurts and our fears, our isolation and our loneliness. If you are in this place, seek support. Reach out to your parish community, your pastor, your diocese. As Christ humbled himself to enter our world — to live our experience, to give himself for us — humble yourself to share your pain, to accept help from others, to allow Christ into your suffering. Do not fall prey to the belief that you are beyond hope, that God does not love you, that he has abandoned you, that you are unlovable, that you will never be happy. God desires joy for you. The One you await this season knows your pain. He feels it. In his Passion, he experienced every conceivable hurt. He will not abandon you. This Advent season, he awaits you.

SEEK HELP WHEN SOMEONE IS...

TALKING ABOUT:

• feelings of loneliness or despair

• wanting to die or to kill oneself

• feeling hopeless or having no reason to live

• feeling trapped or in unbearable pain

• being a burden to others

• seeking revenge

EXHIBITING:

• excessive worry

• trouble concentrating

• anxiety or agitation

• mood swings

• rage

ENGAGING IN:

• reckless or impulsive behavior

• too much or too little sleep

• misuse of alcohol or drugs

• isolation or withdrawal

NOT FUNCTIONING LIKE USUAL:

• change in habits

• marked change in attire / grooming

• increased or decreased appetite / eating

• sleep disturbance

ONLINE BEHAVIORS:

• searching for weapons or other means of self-harm S OR OTHER MEANS OF SELF-HARM

• posting overtly sad or negative messages / comments

• liking posts / following accounts that promote negative behaviors

CONFIDENTIAL CRISIS LINES ARE AVAILABLE...

SAMSHA Lifeline: 988

Boys Town National Hotline: 800.448.3000

The Upper Room Crisis Hotline: 888.808.8724